Stop Hiding from the Light

“It’s impossible to disappear from you, or to ask the darkness to hide me. For your presence is everywhere, bringing light into my night!” Psalms 139:11

light, hiding, no hiding, pain, process, love

Photo by Riccardo Annandale on Unsplash

Ever feel like you’re living a double life?

I have. In public, I acted as if I didn’t have a care in the world, but in private, I felt like I was barely surviving. But I wouldn’t let anyone in, thinking this was my secret battle. I had to conquer on my own since I didn’t want people to see my darkness.

Hiding was an art I nearly perfected. I knew how to wear the right smile, use politically correct verbiage, and act agreeable to everyone. Hide my fears, angst, and pain.

But I wasn’t just hiding from the world, but from myself and God. I didn’t want to admit I had painful issues that kept me from being free.

Nor did I want to admit that I was offended with God. I felt like he didn’t care at times. And when I’d compare my life to others, I felt that he was a respecter of persons. Because if he truly cared, my life would be different. He would’ve intervened in this situation or with that person. And he would’ve created me with more gifts, more beauty, more charm.

So, unwilling to come out of hiding, I escaped into a world of fantasy. Here, I daydreamed I was a leading lady every man wanted to date and every woman wanted to emulate. I lived adventures, traveled to exotic locations, and married the leading man. Yes, this fantasying felt exhilarating, but when I was among people and no longer in the “safety” of my home, I felt inferior.

I didn’t think my life could measure up to my fantasies. (I’ve read that fantasying of living a different life is female pornagraphy — ouch!) I didn’t date a Hollywood star or a prince. I didn’t walk the red carpet or live in a palace.

As the gulf between my daydreams and reality grew wider, I buried myself in self-loathing. I believed I couldn’t measure up because I wasn’t enough in every way: Not attractive enough, not talented enough, not popular enough– the list was endless.

It wasn’t until I wanted deliverance did I open my heart and arms out to God. I acknowledged I was trapped underneath rubble and needed rescue.

Before, I allowed him to heal but I didn’t want him to go too deep. Just stay on the surface God, because when you dig into deeper layers I’m overwhelmed by the pain and shame. So, I’d shut him out. (I’d change the subject or stop talking to him and do something that comforted my soul.)

But God is relentless. He kept wooing me like a love-sick lover: revealing how much he loves me and how much he cares –despite my hurling accusations. And showing me how safe he is.

Desiring freedom and weary from circling the same mountain, I agreed. I wanted to experience more of his redemptive love as he asked me to open my heart to his redeeming love.

Once I agreed to face the pain and allow him to heal, I held onto grace like it was the only hand keeping me from falling off the cliff. Because the process hurts. Nights of tears saturing my pillow as I admitted the deepest secrets of my heart. Ones where I finally acknowledged what I felt (but didn’t want to admit) about myself.

Who wants to stare at these lies we’ve believed as truth? Because it’s not just the lie that’s difficult to face, but the memories attached to those lies.

Lies like:

  • “You’re not enough.” But it feels like you’re not… because someone you admired or trusted said that you weren’t. Perhaps not through their words, but their actions. Maybe your father or mother walked out of your life, abandoning you as a child, when you depended on them the most. As a child, you believed they left because you weren’t enough for them to stay.
  • “You’re ugly and no one likes you.” Because everyone is teased as a child, even for something as minor as hair color. Teased for a long nose, or a flat nose, or a pug nose. Taunted because of having almond eyes or large eyes. Rejected just because of skin color. Their words stick to us like burrs, inflicting pain as we stare in the mirror.
  • “You’re not worth it.” Because someone you trusted to love you, rejected you instead. The spouse cheated or walked out. They want a divorce and refuse counseling because they don’t want to stay in the marriage anymore. So, you conclude that you’re not worthy of anyone’s love.

Whatever is the root of these lies, God isn’t helpless or overwhelmed by them–ever!

Because he knows his love heals and shines brighter than the darkness. None of the darkness a broken human inflicted in your life can overpower his dominating love.

“There’s no such thing as “darkness” with you. The night, to you, is as bright as the day; there is no difference between the two.” (Psalms 139:12 TPT)

As he’s healing you, he doesn’t see the darkness, but only the light of his love. No matter how broken.

Something miraculous occurs when we allow the light of his love to shine in our brokenness (in our soul; our spirit man is whole). You see the radiance shining from the diamond inside you.

“For he enjoys his faithful lovers. He adorns the humble with his beauty and he loves to give them the victory.” Psalms 149:4 TPT

That’s what I’m experiencing. Yes, it’s been a war inside as I allow him to heal, but it’s something beautifully painful. I’ve thanked him for the pain–not celebrating the pain, but in awe how I can experience grace and healing through the pain. And through this process, I draw closer to him in dependency and wonder. Dependency because I’m realizing I can’t heal myself; wonder because his love conquers all my darkness.

Just when I think I can’t take any more peeling of layers, his grace gives me strength for the next session. This experience helps me to take our relationship day by day. I don’t condemn myself or feel ashamed when fleshly darkness shows up because I know God and I are still in process. Facing darkness is an invitation for him to shine his light and reveal who I am.

Because I am the unique, creative expression of God. And through him, I am enough. I am worthy. I am beautiful.

When I surrender to his process and get free, God expresses his creativity through me. Then, I see that my life in his hands is greater than any fantasy I can concoct in my mind.

“Never doubt God’s mighty power to work in you and accomplish all this. He will achieve infinitely more than your greatest request, your most unbelievable dream, and exceed your wildest imagination! He will outdo them all, for his miraculous power constantly energizes you!” (Ephesians 3:20 TPT)

How about you? How have you come out of hiding? Please share in Comments below. Thank you.

I recommend listening to the song Reckless Love from Cory Asbury. (That’s the link to listen to it on Spotify or Tidal or purchase it on Itunes.)

(Here’s a bridge in the song)

There’s no shadow You won’t light up,
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
No lie You won’t tear down,
Coming after me

 

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About the Author

sarahsoonwriter

Friend of God. Writer. Resting in His grace daily.

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