I’m Not Abandoned!

I pray with great faith for you, because I’m fully convinced that the One who began this glorious expression of grace in you will faithfully continue the process of maturing you through your union with him and will complete it at the unveiling of our Lord Jesus Christ! (Philippians 1:6 TPT)

I’ve struggled with abandonment.

Phew, got that confession out in the open. Yes, I feel vulnerable because I’ve consistently blogged about God’s love and grace. How we’re not alone. How we don’t have to fear. yet, I’m admitting this. Hum…

But, I’m discovering these struggles aren’t a reflection of who we are. They’re enemies of our soul.

The good news? God takes us on a journey where at a certain point, he’ll asks us if we want this enemy kicked out. Because sometimes we mistake this vile creature as an acquaintance or in my case, as a roommate.

This enemy of abandonment would linger in the shadows waiting to converse at night or immediately sell its wares after a particular circumstance. At times, I’ve threw him out the door, but somehow I would allow it to come back.

But God’s sneakier.

Lately, I’ve asked him to help me love. Love myself and others. Actually, I’ve prayed this prayer many times, but I wanted to love better.*

Instead of having favorable circumstances, I had varying events happen that were stirring up fear and loneliness. Now, after weeks of sweet sleep, suddenly I suffered insomnia. Not just one night, but consecutive nights.

I wanted solutions–stat! Especially in the middle of the afternoon after a restless night when I wanted to crawl in my bed and take a nap.

So, God and I had a conversation. “God, what can I do?” Like a barn cat spying a mouse, God pounced on my question immediately. I realized that he was waiting for me to ask.

His answer — have a meeting. So, I met with someone in my community and during our session, God gave me gifts. I entered in this “meeting” desiring one gift but left with an armful. Just enough to carry, but nearly overflowing.

The greatest gift I received was his prescription. Rest in his presence and let him tell me who I am. Let him tell me what he thinks about me.

My soul wanted to take the reins in this process. So, I suddenly envisioned myself repeating his thoughts of me like a mantra because I thought, I’m responsible for getting this knowledge by osmosis.

No!

He immediately clarified, “It’s up to me. So let me do the work.” If I’ll rest in his presence, he’ll download this information to my mind. For the power of his presence transforms.

So, through the session, we realized the best format would be to record his words and listen over and over. And whenever I’m sensing abandonment, I can ask him: “Hey, God, what do you think of me?”

Then do whatever is in my heart. I might sing, shout, or praise. Or laugh or cry. Whatever we want to do together.

Because it’s his work–not mine– to transform me into the image of Christ. Who I really am.

It’s been less than a week, and I’ve struggled still. Here and there. Thank goodness.

Wait– why are you rejoicing over the struggle? 

Because I’m dependent on him. No, I didn’t feel thrilled about this last night when I lying in my bed awake at midnight for the second night in a row. But this morning, I smiled, thanking him for this journey. Where I must depend on him, not myself. What joy to come to the end of myself and let go.

And I’ve also received small victories as well.

Hopefully I’ve demonstrated that we’re on a journey. Thank goodness! For I often focus on the finish line: “Okay, this issue is cleared up, let’s move on.” But it’s wonderful to stay in relationship with him realizing that I must depend on him at all times. Through the struggle and the victories.

No guilt or shame if we’re still working on casting the enemy out permanently. For the enemy’s presence in our lives isn’t a reflection of who we are. Christ– who’s greater than any enemy– is who God sees when he looks at us.

How about you? What has God taught you about your latest struggle? Feel free to share in Comments below. Thank you! 

* Here’s a great Bible reference regarding asking to love better: “I continue to pray for your love to grow and increase more and more until it overflows, bringing you into the rich revelation of spiritual insights in all things. And with this revelation, you will come to know God fully as he imparts to you the deepest understanding of his ways.” (Philippians 1:9 TPT)

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About the Author

sarahsoonwriter

Friend of God. Writer. Resting in His grace daily.